Telling My Lawn Guy Way Too Much

It wasn't very long after, and our lawn guy showed up to mow.  He told me that he had been paid.  I talked to him about dropping the service down to 2x monthly; he already knew about the divorce.  My husband had said more about it to the lawn guy than he had said to me.

#2 paid him for the month of May.  I assumed he mentioned the divorce to let our guy know he wouldn't be seeing him again.

That awkward exchange: the lawn guy saying it was none of his business and he wouldn't take sides.  That terrible moment when I had proof that he was telling people he would never be my lover nor my friend again.  It hurt me so bad.

Today, late with my check, the lawn guy showed up again.  It's been that kind of week, and I now know it's not going to all go seamlessly.  I had bigger dreams this summer for the way things would be.  I told myself to get a stamp and send a check and not make that man think I can't handle my shit.  But there he was.

I paid the man and apologized, and he was very nice.   He asked about things randomly.  Was the divorce final?  He didn't seem to be partial to my husband after all.  He said that when he paid him last, he said he might still see him.

Wait.  What?

And in my stupid heart, I felt that flutter of hope. It was the same flutter that I feel when the phone rings.  The flutter that fuels my dreams.  

Did he think he would be moving back?  Even for a moment?  Was there ever any hope?

It only took a moment and it occurred to me, of course, he did not know if I'd stay.    He was preparing for the possibility that I would be moving...not that he would be coming back to me.  

The lawn guy breaks my heart every time.