Mailbox

I do play out the scenario in my head: he doesn't know what he was thinking, how could he do such a thing, he would do anything to have me back.  It happens, always, with a phone call.

But even in my dreams, I have to beg him to come back mostly.  I've given hell to his mother and his sister there, but I always give my pride away easily to him in my dreams.

I know the phone won't ringing.  I know he'll never talk to me as a person.  He just slinked away like a snake.

I'm getting back to that place where fuck him, who does he think he is, anyway?  I GAVE myself away to him, and he never deserved me.

Sure, I am strong of mind and will.  Sure, I don't give in when I really really stand for it; but my fight was always for my kids.  There's no way I'm the asshole.

I tried so hard, though, this second time around.  I did try so hard not to make the same mistakes.  I did not take him for granted, I never betrayed him not even for a second, and I loved him the best I could...I tried to change myself.  I did.  I heard what he said, and I changed myself.  And I was completely fooled into believing that I was loved in return.

And then I was left

Which is really cruel, truly.

So fuck that dude.

And time has passed now so I know in my heart and ****soul**** (he didn't believe in souls...red flag...) that I was left by a cowardly bullshitter...so who cares now.  I'm almost there to 100% believing it.

But still play around with the idea of getting a phone call.

There's just silence there though.

He went to see a lawyer before ever even talking to me.  No big blowout.  Just decided he was "done" and left without eve so much as saying goodbye to the kids.  (Gosh, I must be pretty scary for him to run and hide to his mama.)

You know, every relationship is complicated, but the least that can be said of me is that I gave him the gift of honesty.  Maybe I was too real; but I believed in our till death do we part.  I was real because it was VERY real to me.

I think that's the residue that exists in my dreams.  I think that's the thing that makes me wonder what I would even do if the phone rang, after everything.

Another correspondence from the lawyer today.  I knew that would pop back up...the lawyers have been handling it...my lawyer said I'd hear from her when I hear from her...  Lawyers tend to draw things out.  I've checked the mailbox everyday ready for it.  I only saw the corner of the letter and knew that today was the day.  It seems the mailbox is getting all the real action.