Like a Badge

The divorce was final on January 14, the same day my sweet old man cat died.  He was the cat I had insisted we adopt into our fold after we bought our house and some time had passed of him running to us after school like clockwork everyday.  I loved him so much.  It was cancer.  Cause, you know, fucking cancer...it was a heartbreaking loss for the kids and I.  

I didn't know my divorce was final until a few weeks later when the car insurance guy wanted to remove me from the policy.  So both my (ex)husband and the car insurance guy found out I was divorced before I did.  I will admit there was a tear inside (and a pissed off call to my lawyer), but I think there were only four tears.  And I haven't cried again since.

He doesn't know our cat died.  I know he's happy to be rid of me (I could absolutely see his family throwing a party, probably happened); but I think he would be quite sad to know our friend died.  I do still believe that he is mostly good.  He is too unfortunately a great big bullshitter and a coward, too, and that really gets in the way of all the other good qualities of a person.  So it seems.

He is a quitter, and a liar, and a deserter, and he hurt my kids while knowing better.  I feel these thoughts, and the love only lingers a little still.  Mostly I just feel myself growing stronger by the moment.

Surviving

3/4 of the school year, almost

With the most challenging students of my career;

A sick child and months of tests,

All the appointments;

Juggling and hoping so hard nothing falls;

Being divorced- I mean, someone else doing the divorcing, and you are the one who is left,

And especially the void of where he used to be in this house;

So many sad dreams, almost nearly gone now;

Celibacy;

Then Christmas;

The first snow storm, and the second, too;

Single parenthood,

Now Death.

Everyday I learn 

Since you left,

I tried to nurse our sick cat back to health and failed.  I had to teach my son about hurting so that a soul you love can be free.

I have bucked against heartbreak in these months since you left, 

in my damaged child

in the emptiness of our home 

in the broken pieces of a future

You promised.

I have dug my nails in and I am climbing to a place you will never see.  We weren't meant to have forever, and I can see that now.  You can't go where I am going.

One day soon, all that will remain is pity for you, if there is anything at all.

I wear each day like a badge now.