I should have told this story:

My children's father lives in NOLA.  If I lived in Louisiana too, this dude would have a big ass picture on the most wanted child support offender douchebag list for the state.  He would be #3.  

He pretty much turned his back on them when #2 came into our lives.

In all these years since, I have been in fear of taking my kids to NOLA, a place I have a deep history with and love for; I have been afraid my kids want to find their father.  I don't know where he is.  Maybe I could get some child support if I did.

But we did go this year for the first time, and it was the right thing for us.  They didn't ask about him once.

We did, however, run into him the very first place we went to (Walmart, of course)!  We were walking in directly behind him, us from the left of the parking lot and him from the right.  My best girlfriend of over 20 years was in front with my daughter, and I was behind with my son.  

I could not believe it.  I know he saw her and I know he saw our daughter.  She is quite a bit different than the last time he saw her, but I know he put two and two together.  I saw his face.

And he got his cart and walked off.

I was stunned and processing what was happening as quickly as I could.  He walked off...definitely in character.

Luckily my girlfriend had present of mind and suggested that we go somewhere else because there was someone we didn't want to see.  And my kids didn't realize who they had seen before them.  I mean they wouldn't, I guess.

Like a Badge

The divorce was final on January 14, the same day my sweet old man cat died.  He was the cat I had insisted we adopt into our fold after we bought our house and some time had passed of him running to us after school like clockwork everyday.  I loved him so much.  It was cancer.  Cause, you know, fucking cancer...it was a heartbreaking loss for the kids and I.  

I didn't know my divorce was final until a few weeks later when the car insurance guy wanted to remove me from the policy.  So both my (ex)husband and the car insurance guy found out I was divorced before I did.  I will admit there was a tear inside (and a pissed off call to my lawyer), but I think there were only four tears.  And I haven't cried again since.

He doesn't know our cat died.  I know he's happy to be rid of me (I could absolutely see his family throwing a party, probably happened); but I think he would be quite sad to know our friend died.  I do still believe that he is mostly good.  He is too unfortunately a great big bullshitter and a coward, too, and that really gets in the way of all the other good qualities of a person.  So it seems.

He is a quitter, and a liar, and a deserter, and he hurt my kids while knowing better.  I feel these thoughts, and the love only lingers a little still.  Mostly I just feel myself growing stronger by the moment.

Surviving

3/4 of the school year, almost

With the most challenging students of my career;

A sick child and months of tests,

All the appointments;

Juggling and hoping so hard nothing falls;

Being divorced- I mean, someone else doing the divorcing, and you are the one who is left,

And especially the void of where he used to be in this house;

So many sad dreams, almost nearly gone now;

Celibacy;

Then Christmas;

The first snow storm, and the second, too;

Single parenthood,

Now Death.

Everyday I learn 

Since you left,

I tried to nurse our sick cat back to health and failed.  I had to teach my son about hurting so that a soul you love can be free.

I have bucked against heartbreak in these months since you left, 

in my damaged child

in the emptiness of our home 

in the broken pieces of a future

You promised.

I have dug my nails in and I am climbing to a place you will never see.  We weren't meant to have forever, and I can see that now.  You can't go where I am going.

One day soon, all that will remain is pity for you, if there is anything at all.

I wear each day like a badge now.